@faithisleaping @nicole Yep. Tonight it's:

Am I uncomfortable with being flirted with because:

1. I'm ace-spec and mono and overt flirting is a warning signal for a relationship turning somewhere I can't go
2. I'm autistic and have never been desired except by my wife so I don't know and can't guess at the correct response patterns to genuine sexual interest in my body
3. Both
4. Both plus other things I haven't noticed

Which is a fun thought.

@Impossible_PhD @nicole Also

The relationship with my wife formed when I was well and thoroughly unaware of my transness and emotionally dead so I have no idea how to actually navigate these feelings even if I did know what they were.

@faithisleaping @nicole I did the pursuing of her for that relationship, which is an additional thing.

I've never been physically desirable. Some part of me knows that I am, at least to some degree now, but it's on the same scale as knowing how many moons jupiter has: a known thing with no context or relevance to my life.

@Impossible_PhD @nicole Our relationship I would classify as joint pursuit. I was pretty unaware of how she felt at the start (Apparently she didn't come to my dorm every week to watch the new Stargate because she just liked Stargate. 🤷🏻‍♀️) but once I got the memo, it was bidirectional.

But one of my core memories from that time is of the night before we got engaged...

She was studying for her last final so we couldn't hang out that night. I went for one of my evening walks and walked over by her apartment complex. I had the ring in my pocket. I walked up onto this little hill, sat on the grass. I pulled the ring box from my pocket and opened it. It glistened in the combination of moonlight and street lamps. "Why don't I feel anything?" I asked. "I'm about to ask this girl to marry me but I don't feel what I'm supposed to feel. I know this is right and it's what I want to do. I know what I want to feel, what I'm supposed to feel, but it's not there. What gives?" It was frustrating as hell.

I do think my feelings were there and guiding me even if I couldn't feel them. Still, it's hard. I've never experienced falling for someone, being swept off my feet. I can now—my emotions work fine—but I don't have the prior experience to lean on.

@faithisleaping @nicole That's a beautiful story. 💜

@Impossible_PhD @nicole I'm not sure if it is. I mean, yes I somehow managed to fight through the disassociation and emotional atrophy and find someone anyway. That's cool, I guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️ To me, though, the raw frustration of that moment, knowing what emotions should be there but not being able to feel them... and not knowing why... That still hurts to this day.

Fortunately, estrogen and progesterone are magic and my emotions finally work for the first time in my life. But yeah...

@faithisleaping @Impossible_PhD feel this. It’s equal parts amazing and disorienting to suddenly have a functioning emotional core after having navigated without one for so long. Did not anticipate it; extremely grateful for it, even if it’s a bareback horse in need of a bridle.