Passing is such an interesting dilemma.
Post-FFS, I pass inconsistently, mostly as a product of my height and build (6,1”; footballer); my surgeon did miracles on my face.
I don’t actually care very much about when I don’t pass (though, I neurotically keep score). Depending on the context, it stings, but also I’ve had 2.5 years of it. (I literally don’t care at all if I don’t pass in the eyes of men—I’m not subject to their approval).
But when I provisionally pass I get extremely anxious.
That’s when the house lights come down and all of a sudden I’m standing in a spotlight.
And nothing hurts more than when I’m talking with someone, and while we’re talking, they realize that I’m trans. The light goes out in their eyes, but the conversation continues, and it’s like you’re talking to an afterimage of the person with whom the conversation began—the words are coming, but the warmth and humanity channels have just been cut off.
Last night, I enjoyed the company of three other women over cocktails after a film screening. One of them was friend; the other two were newly-introduced to me.
I spent the first half hour stressing about whether or not I was passing. But at some point, through circumstance and conversation, I realized they were at ease with my presence. Whether or not I was passing was moot; I relaxed and had a lovely time.
And that’s kind of the wonderful thing about FFS: even if it isn’t enough to make you pass all scrutinies, it can still bring you to a place where willing people can defy their own disbelief, and see you as they want to see you.
If these people are your friends, they will see you as you want to be seen; if they aren’t, well, … best you both know, so you can preserve your energy for those who are. 🎭
@nicole That's really pathetic and I'm sorry you experience shitty people like that.
@NickSchwanck I feel bad for everyone involved in these situations. 😆
But also I mostly just feel bad about myself. Which isn’t right or fair, but is exactly what it is.
Move on, roll the perception check again elsewhere. 🎲
@nicole My trans daughter is 18. She came out about two years ago. Fully supported by all of us but I had to have a frank conversation with her last week. She's now old enough to hear what I had to say.
I told her that when she came out, I was actually pretty uncomfortable with it. It seemed that in my head, being trans was absolutely fine for other people...but not my own kid. She'd been saying "gay" and "bi" for a long time. All that was fine
So. Turns out that enlightened, inclusive, tolerant me is actually a bigoted old cis/het white bastard.
Ironically, our relationship now is the best it's ever been.
I don't know why it's hard for people. It simply shouldn't be. I think I just fear for my kid that she'll be forced to endure the same shitty arseholes (me, apparently) that you've had to.
It's really bizarre to learn that I've grown into the same conservative shit head my father was but in the context of the modern era. The world is progressing without me... lots to learn here.
Thanks for your time.
@NickSchwanck I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I have to stop myself every so often to check my biases (within the last 48 hours, actually). They sneak up on you; they sneak up on everyone.
I think it’s fantastic that you were able to have that frank conversation with your daughter in the light of your own acceptance and growth. What a gift for both of you. ❤️
@nicole Thank you. 💛
This gives me a lot of social anxiety. The sort of anxiety they write prescriptions for. (And for which I have been written prescriptions).