I think the key to not reaching 2k followers is to get myself cancelled. So here's an cancellable fact about my past to make me lose credibility and your respect:

Out of a profound sense of nihilism and a lack of future prospects I joined the Navy right out of college and was a Submarine officer for most of my 20s.

The experience radicalized my leftist political beliefs, it probably delayed my egg cracking by a decade, and I regret every minute of it.